Control

So my Dad is being very controlling lately. I got my permit on Wednesday and I thought someone would take me driving that day. Nope.

Dad came home, super mad for seemingly no reason. Yelled at me to get out of his sight and wouldn’t tell me why he was mad. Yeah…

Repeat this on Thursday with similar yelling.

And on Friday he barely would speak to me but at least I was allowed to walk around the house. I asked him why he was mad but he still refused to tell me. Fine. Whatever.

And today I asked him to go to Mike’s house tomorrow to spend time with his family. He said I could go but when asked how I was getting there refused to let either my mom or Colleen take me. Well how am I supposed to get there?

“We’re not your personal drivers.”

Oh. Well, maybe if you would teach me how to drive, I could drive myself. But you won’t.

It’s been a slow realization these last couple of days that my dad is using the driving thing to keep me in his control.

If I want to do something, I need someone to take me. If they don’t want to, I don’t get to go. I can’t get a job unless I want transportation, therefore I need my dad’s money and he gets to exert even more control over my life.

It hurts.

It really fucking hurts.

Not only to be yelled at and frozen out because he’s always done that to me. But to think my dad is intentionally keeping me from being an adult because he doesn’t want to let me go.

It makes me feel so broken and alone and worthless to think I’m just something he wants to control.

I’m a person and I deserve to be treated like I matter and respected. But this summer all I can feel is something like hate from my dad. I don’t know what I did wrong but I just want him to love me again. I hate feeling tossed aside and ignore by someone who is supposed to never let me feel this way.

It’s abusive to be honest and if Mike ever treated me this way I would leave him in a heartbeat and not think twice.

So why am I supposed to let my Dad treat me this way? What makes sense about that? If my boyfriend treated me the way my Dad does, he’d kill him!

Why doesn’t he understand that I need to be an adult. I need to drive. I need to get a job. And if he doesn’t help me grow as a person that maybe I won’t want him there in my future.

I just have this weight in my chest all the time. This slow, consuming sadness which is going to take me over.

The only things that keep me from going down that ugly path I used to is seeing my friends, talking with them and Mike.

If I didn’t have that, I’d hate to say it but I’d have no reason to live.

I am so thankful for the friendships and relationships outside of this house because without them I’d be hopeless enough to do something stupid.

 

Wonderful Weekend

Mike and I had a great weekend playing house. I got to pretend like we were married and living together and he got to be fussed over to within an inch of his life.

On friday we barely left the apartment and I think the only mentionable thing we did was make dinner. He’s funny in the kitchen and instead of making tacos with ground beef like normal people – He and I had to defrost premade hamburger patties and try to chop them up super fine to mimic it. It didn’t taste great but we were so ravenously hungry we didn’t care.

We sat across the table and he made jokes about how kids would be on our right and on our left before we knew it. It’s nice that he feels so comfortable talking about the future, especially since I really want him in mine and me in his.

Saturday we went up to the Valley to collect more things from his apartment and Tom as icy as ever. Then China Inn and the little ice cream place near the hallmark store. It was nice having couple time and being back in such a familiar place.

Sunday we did laundry and explored the Lansing mall. I saw a few gifts ideas for a few people on my lists and I’m excited to get the opportunity to buy them.

It was hard saying goodbye. I cried on the way home. He kissed me and it felt so perfect I didn’t want leave but I had to. My mom was really sympathetic and supportive so it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

I can’t wait to get back to him or the Valley again because both are my homes and not where I am now.

Breakdown

So I had a fully fledged breakdown yesterday.

I have been cleaning and cleaning AND CLEANING up after these people pretty much since I’ve gotten home. AND NOTHING STAYS CLEAN. It’s frustrating to say the least because Dad, William and Colleen DO NOTHING to pick up after themselves. I’m beggining to see why my mom would cry about having a dirty house when I was a kid. It’s embarrassing, you can’t have company over and it’s just a horrible living condition in general.

So I just snapped yesterday. I had ask William to clean the bathroom floor. Simply by sweeping and mopping it. It is an incredibly small bathroom with hardly any floor so I though he could handle it. So instead of taking a bucket up there and just fucking doing some minimal work for once, he took shortcuts and the floor is half clean and he used the sink as a mop bucket.

WHAT THE FUCK!? YOU JUST SHIFTED ALL THE DIRT FROM THE FLOOR TO THE FUCKING SINK YOU PIG!

So when I see his stuff scattered all over the once cleared kitchen island I. lost. it.

I threw a water bottle towards his open hands and it hit him. Of course I was happy it hit him. I’m sick of his dirty messes he never cleans up. So then my Dad just yells at me for five minutes and I just snapped. I started crying controllably and of course I’m trying to make these horrible people dinner at the time so I have to keep doing that.

Then Mom comes home with Colleen and she takes me into the library and tries to comfort me but all I can sob out is that I want to be with Mike and no one at school treats me like this and how much I hate being here and how I can’t take it anymore. Over and over again. My poor mother just hugs me and tells me she’s glad I’m home and she loves me and she knows how hard it is for me to be here.

It helped a little but even now I’m typing this out and I am still crying about it. I can’t take my Dad yelling at me I have lost all tolerance for it I once had. It’s abusive, it makes me feel unloved and unwanted and I am so glad Mike never treats me that way.

It’s already so hard being apart from him but at least when we’ll be apart at school, I’ll be around people who love me and treat me with respect.

I just want to run away and get married to him so the only person I’ll have to worry about is him. Because at least he wouldn’t treat me this way. He never wants me to cry and he always wants to solve our problems. And he never yells at me.

I just hate being home, and I hate not being with Mike of my friends. And I hate that Colleen and Mom are the only ones who seems to care about what I do for them. I’m sick of this.

Missing You

I free like I’m missing everyone lately.

I saw Elie on Thursday and we spent a wonderful afternoon together and now I miss her again. And Sandi is all the way in Jordan so I of course miss her. And I haven’t heard from Amanda in forever, so I MISS HER!

And most of all I miss Mike. He’s officially in Lansing now and starts his job today, which is both good and bad. Good because it’s part of adult life to have a stable and gainful employment but bad because he’s lonely in Lansing and I want to be there for him. But considering Dad is annoyingly uninterested in teaching me to drive I don’t think I can visit him for a while.

SIGH.

Date Night and a Proposition

Mike and I went out to see Source Code last night I got all cutesyed up because I haven’t seen him in a while and I wanted to look nice. He met me at the door and of course Momo tried to escape to sniff him. I was just so happy Mike I didn’t even see Momo run, Colleen grabbed him by the collar at the last second luckily. Catching that dog is a headache and a half when he gets out.

Having Mike hold me to his chest and kiss the top of my head gently is one of the best feelings in the world. He knows exactly what to do. We had a nice car ride of laughing and joking  but got lost on the way to the movie theater. We were a little late but didn’t miss the start of the movie. It was nice. Watching the movie with my head against his shoulder and my hand in his.

We drove back home and halfway there I was consumed with a sense of sadness that we would have to part ways when we got to my house. So we made out in the car like teenagers and he walked me to the door. Momo was there to greet us and surprisingly the dog remembered Mike and allowed him to pet him sans growling and barking. After playing with the dog, he kissed me goodnight and went on his way. He called me when he got home and we said our goodnights in hushed tones.

He asked me if I would go back to Grand Valley with him this weekend from Friday to Tuesday. Of course I jumped at the chance because not only could we have time together but I could see Sandi and Amanda too! I asked my Dad and he seemed okay with the idea oddly and now I just need to check with my mom about it.

Wish me luck!

Being at home…

So it’s not terrible – they don’t beat me or anything…

But does it ever suck doing things for ungrateful people.

I did my laundry all day yesterday so I could pack up and store all my winter clothing and tuck it away in the basement downstairs so I wouldn’t have to worry about it until August, and got yelled at for not doing anyone else’s…UM, I WAS NEVER ASKED TO!

Then when I was making dinner, I was cooking fast enough or cooking what everyone liked. Actually I made what my mom told me to so don’t complain to me! Mom came home and was super grateful because she didn’t have to cook but dealing with Dad and William is such a fucking headache sometimes. I remember the happiness expressed by the people at school when I make them something and of course I compare the two experiences and end up not being happy with my family.

Well Mike and I should be going out on a date tonight so inbetween making dinner and getting ready for my date, I should not have enough time to even think about it.

TahTah…

Party time!

Well I went to Mike’s graduation party and it was a headache and a half getting there. Dad didn’t want me to stay the night like I had planned to so I had to leave at seven.

I got there and met all his family and chatted with Lisa, his sister. It was a little awkward at first because Mike had to leave me a lot to say hi to other guests but I just talked to whoever I was around. And played lawn games and was invited to spend Memorial Day weekend camping with his married friends.

I finally met his older brother and he was very nice. Friendly and warm. And his dog Deedee is adorable! I’m a sucker for dogs…

But when Dana finally showed up I had to leave and go home. I wanted to stay longer and spend more time with Mike and everyone else. Kissing him goodbye is such a bittersweet thing for me. I feel simultaneously comforted by him and incredibly sad that I have to leave him.